For CleoCatra.02/08/2010 – 04/03/2024

The loss of a beloved pet often seems harder to deal with than the loss of a person. Maybe its the fact that people can usually tell you what’s wrong and how you can help. Maybe its that you often see your animal in much more distress at the vets than a person at the hospital. Or maybe its because the link you have with your furry friend is on such an organic, symbiotic and natural level that you are closer and feel their feelings and pain and confusion.

I think one of the hardest things to fathom is the way people think about death and the way animals perceive death. Yes animals want to survive. But, i think they must accept it better than us. A knowing of when their time is coming and they will just move on to the next stage of their spiritual existence. Where as humans overthink everything and try to control it.

Animals live for the moment. Emotions like guilt, hope, regret are not in their consciousness. Those are the tools humans use to beat ourselves up with after a loss. Animals remember the happy times and the love and don’t dwell on the passing, they rarely remember it.

I often think pets and sometimes people, will hold on longer than they should because they worry for us. They know we are sad, scared or unhappy and they want to be there for you. I told my CleoCatra every day, on those last few days that it was ok for her to go and i would be fine (even though it ripped my heart out to think of a time without her) That she had to do what was right for her. That i thanked her for choosing me to be her Papi and how many times she has saved me over the 13 years, 4 months and 16 days we had together.

She is here. I chat to her all the time. I explain i can’t see her anymore and that now we just feel the love from each other and she is guiding me through this chapter in our relationship. Her energy has been linked with mine since before we met. I fully believe that, and we were meant to be together. Joined at the hip from our first meeting. The link is not going to be broken by death. Today is day 3 months and 8 days since she died, In my arms after a rapid decline over her last few days. I had been dreading and thinking about her passing home since the day me met. It was October 19th 2010, when she climbed out of the box and up onto my shoulder and didn’t leave my side after. I knew I wanted her to pass in my arms, her head on my shoulder and i wanted her to feel my heartbeat next to hers. This was how she liked to cuddle me. I got my wish. She had lost her vision in her last 3 days, so this was even more important now. She fell asleep with me kissing her head and holding her tight and thanking her with tears streaming down my cheeks. I would have liked it to be at home where she was happiest. But everything else was perfect.

I became very good friends with the vet after that day. She had said she had never seen such a beautiful goodbye. She even called to check up on me and to ask for a photo of CleoCatra. I had already ordered one for her.

Once my grief has eased, though it seems endless. Saying her name without my voice cracking is rare. Crying and sobbing is almost a daily occurrence and it doesn’t matter that i know she was here for her time and to help me and will be waiting for me on the other side, which is way better than here. She was my family and my best friend. Helping me through hard times, the loss of my parents and loved ones and someone to talk to when i got home and to have a warm body to cuddle with. I notice little messages from her, movement from the corner of my eye, or in my dreams.

Although we only had 6 months together here in Spain, she loved it. She was more relaxed, adventurous and loved the warmth. I have her ashes and i bought a quartz geode (a Cleode i call it) where i light a candle for her. Although her ashes are here with me, i know she isn’t. I know her energy is with me, entwines forever. She will stay with me wherever i live in the world and when its my time, her ashes will come in with me for an eternal cuddle and i will join her in the space she is saving for me up on that special cloud of hers..